A Moment of Weakness
by collegekunoichi
Summary: Dragon Age: Origins. Alistair/Amell. Amell is haunted by thoughts of her old friend Jowan in the aftermath of his execution by her hand. His memory sparks a determination within her. One-shot drabble.


AN: Grace here! I'm still working on Hanakotoba, I swear! I've only recently gotten a new laptop (my old one kicked the bucket) and I'm about halfway into it. However I've been playing Origins again lately and even though I've played through it several times, I've never seen Jowan's execution at the hands of a circle mage? It inspired me, to say the least! I thought you were a much flatter character than you seemed, Jowan! I'm so sorry! ; ^ ;

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She buries her face into her lovers bare back, trying to force her thoughts away with the warmth he emanated. Alistair giggles, squirming in her grasp. "H-Hey! Heather, that tickles!"

"No talking," she grumbles into his back. "You're interrupting my contemplation, you jerk."

"Oh? And is my back a necessary component in your—Hey!" He squeaks as she pinches his buttock, twisting his head around to glare at her over his shoulder. She smiles mischievously and presses a finger against his lips.

"No talking." He kisses her finger in defiance and she recoils as if she's been bit. With a huff she presses her feet against the small of his back and shoves him out of their bedroll, cackling as she does so.

"Oh, so we're playing like that, huh?!" Alistair jumps swiftly to his feet and whips around, prepared to deliver a swift tickling, when he notices that Heather is crying. He freezes in place, unsure how to proceed; something had to be really wrong if she was crying. She had never cried before, at least not in front of him. Perhaps it was an allergic reaction? "Heather? Is something wrong?"

"Heather? Is something wrong?" Reluctantly she tears her attention away from the tome she had been engaged in at the call of her fellow apprentice.

"Are you sure you're not the person with an issue, Jowan? For I am quite obviously studying, unless that has newly been made a crime within the circle." Heather closed the text with a heavy thunk and turned to face her resident pest. "What is so important, hm?"

"Maker's breath, Heather, is it winter already?"

"Have being inside the Tower's walls for so long really made you that daft? It's merely fall."

"Brr!" Jowan pretends to shiver, undeterred by her frosty reception. "Come on, I know you better than that. You're totally sulking- you've read that book eight times before". She scowled, unable to deny his claim and hating his knowing smirk.

"And? What's your point, Jowan? What do you want?"

"You make it sound like I'm blackmailing you", he joked. Heather didn't laugh. "You can lean on me every now and again, you know. That's what friends are for." She studied him suspiciously, making the apprentice wait before giving him a solitary nod.

"If that's all, I have other matters to attend to." Heather rose from her seat and turned to leave when she felt him grasp her arm. She glances over her shoulder at Jowan and her contemptuous expression made him hesitate. "...If there's nothing else-"

"Promise me. Promise me that you will." He held out the pinky of his other hand towards her, his expression serious. "People aren't meant to take on everything alone, Heather. When you really need to, promise me that you won't shoulder your burden alone."

She sighed as if he was causing her a large inconvenience, but locked her finger with his all the same. "If that is what you wish… my friend".

"Nothing's wrong. Why are you..." Heather's hands touch the wetness on her face and she flinches. "Oh", she murmurs. "I see." Her voice cracks into panicked laughter and she hastily tries to cover her eyes, not wanting him to see. It was a foolish gesture and she knew it. He had already seen.

"Heather..." His words are soft in her ear as he sits down beside her, protectively wrapping an arm around her shoulders and drawing her close. "Do you want to talk about it?" She shakes her head, hesitates, and then nods.

"...Relying on other people has always felt like a weakness." She laughs bitterly and hides her face against his shoulder. "There's no room for weakness when you're a mage. You were there, at the tower. It doesn't matter if they're good people, or kind people—if they're not strong enough, it can be all gone in a moment." Alistair rubs her back, unsure of what else he can do for her. There's nothing he can say, not having grown up in the Circle. Heather squeezes her eyes shut, grateful for his presence.

"They tell me you're to be my executioner." She's alone and despite the cell bars between them, he finds their situation almost nostalgic. Jowan chuckled at her solemn nod. Heather's face is icy in her resolve and to anyone else she may have even seemed cruel. But he knew her, perhaps better than anyone else did. "The two of us again, then. It seems fitting-"

He's cut off abruptly as his face slams into the bars of his cell. While he'd reminisced, she'd snaked her arm in-between the bars and grabbed him by the collar of his robes. Time passes, but nothing breaches the silence. He looks up slowly and meets her eyes. Her face contorted into a mixture of rage and agony, hot tears dripping silently from her cheeks. "Heather..."

"Sh—Shut up. Shut up, Jowan." Her voice is strained but her grasp on his collar is still hard as iron. They'd grown up together but Jowan had never actually seen Irving's star pupil cry. He obliges and waits patiently while she wipes her eyes feverishly, seemingly as perplexed by her tears as he is. "You... why?" He doesn't have to ask for clarification-what else would she be talking about?

"At first", he chuckles, "ironically enough, because of you." He sees the shock in her expression and smiles wistfully. "I've always been... jealous of your ability. I knew I'd never be as great a mage as you are. I thought blood magic might give me more... power. More control. Isn't that stupid?"

"It is."

Jowan laughs at her straightforward admission. That condescending tone, that absolute confidence, that was the Heather he had known. To his surprise, she releases him from her grasp and chuckles. "You have always been a fool, Jowan." There is a bite in her tone but her face has softened, almost remorseful.

"I—I knew I was wrong. It felt wrong the minute I tried it, the—the blood magic. I swore it would never happen again. I had no reason to, especially... after I met Lily." Heather winces at the mention of her old friends lover, knowing full well that she would be no better off after being caught assisting him. "She made me feel... whole. Lily loved me for I am, flaws and all. I was able to accept myself and I was happier than I could have dreamed I would ever be. And then..."

Guilt rose like bile in her stomach. How had she betrayed these people? Jowan had been... Jowan was her closest friend. "...You asked for my hand in your freedom after she found out about the Rite." He nods and she grimaces, biting into her lip hard. Her betrayal was no secret; he knew full well what she had done, and yet there was no anger in him. It seemed he had come to terms with his fate, more than Heather herself had been able to achieve. "Why didn't you ask me?"

"Pardon?"

"You could have asked me. About magic. I would have been willing to help you...", she trailed off, her voice thick with regret. "I could have helped you."

"Well, you're kind of scary, you know? You had a real mean streak going on back at the tower, Heather. If I had asked, I reckon I would've gotten an earful from you," Jowan said with a laugh. Her face falls and he regrets his choice of words, but he knows well enough at this point that what's done is done. "Come on, Heather... It's not your fault. None of this is your fault. Don't blame yourself for my mistakes."

"But-"

"I'm grateful." His admission silences her and he continued with a sigh, "you stuck with me through everything, no matter how foolish. I'm... I'm sorry that I've let you down." Silence stretched between the two old friends as his words sunk in but eventually Heather nodded. "Can I make a final request?" Another nod. "I know it's unlikely that you'll ever see her again... but if your paths ever cross, please tell Lily that I'm sorry. Tell her that I loved her 'til the end."

"I... yes, of course. Of course I will, Jowan." Heather's insides twist at his relieved smile, but she knows what she must do. It's better this way, she reflects, that this responsibility falls on her. If she started this, it's only fitting that she ended it. She feels the warmth of tears wetting her cheeks again but makes no effort to wipe them away. "I'm sorry that it worked out like this."

"I am too, my friend."

Inhale. Exhale.. Heather's breathing steadies and she can feel the tears drying on her skin. "A moment of weakness is all it takes", she says through grit teeth.

"If you're not strong enough, you die or face a fate worse than death that they call 'merciful'. We're not even human to—to some of them. Not even people. Is it any surprise that the mages turn to blood magic out of fear? That the gentle and the weak taint themselves in the name of survival?" She raises her head from his shoulder and locks eyes with him. "I have to—I swear I'll free them, one day. They shouldn't have to... no one should have to live like that."

"Heather, you can't shoulder the burden of all mages alone, that's-"

"I have you, don't I?" She cuts Alistair off with a weak grin but her eyes unfocused and her thoughts elsewhere. "The two of us... it seems fitting."


End file.
